Well, what did you expect?

It’s a very busy time of year at my job, and the main thing getting me through it is the fact that we finally rid ourselves of the most toxic member of the staff. Over the past year and a half, this guy–let’s call him Chungus, because seriously fuck this guy–has stuck around despite making the lives of everyone else in the office miserable. No indoor voice, no sense of boundaries, no concept of what’s appropriate for a work conversation. He probably only lasted that long because he’s related to someone on the board. Yay, nepotism (not today’s word).

And lest you think I’m being too harsh toward someone whose worst crime is having a voice like if Rocky Balboa was a frat boy, and a laugh like Woody Woodpecker with a traumatic brain injury, there’s also the fact that Chungus was caught driving drunk with a loaded gun in his car, which he may or may not have had a license for. But even that wasn’t what finally rid us of him–no, that happened after Chungus got drunk again and started harassing one of our female coworkers outside of work, and she filed a police report. At which point, I really have to ask, just what did you think was going to happen, you stupid prick? And that brings us to today’s word.

query, verb – to ask a question (also noun – a question, itself)

Learned from: Space Rogue (Apple II, Amiga, Atari ST, Commodore 64, PC, FM Towns, Macintosh, PC-9801)

Developed by Origin Systems

Published by Origin Systems (1989)

Most people, if they’re familiar with Origin at all, probably know them as the developers of the Ultima games, but they did have other credits to their name. The Wing Commander series (which I’ve sadly never played), is probably the best-known of their other projects, but they had the odd standalone title here and there, too. Space Rogue is one of those, and for being a one-off project, it was surprisingly ambitious.

You start as a crew member aboard a ship that was sent to investigate a distress beacon (if memory serves). While you’re out on a spacewalk to investigate the small, derelict vessel, aliens attack and destroy the ship you flew in on, leaving you alone and in command of the abandoned ship you were sent to find. From there, you can…well, kinda do whatever. Try to discover why your other ship was attacked; become a pirate; learn the economies of various star systems and try to become rich as a merchant; help a robot find love; wile away your time on the game-within-a-game you can play on various space stations; just explore the galaxy, wherever the wormhole network happens to take you; etc. and so on. Space Rogue was an early example of what we think of today as an open-world sandbox; there’s no right way to play, and the story is largely optional if you want it to be. Exhausted everything to do in one star system? Pilot your way through a wormhole, and query your computer for points of interest where you end up–there’s always something new at each destination.

Speaking of the star systems, kudos to the development team for trying to account for actual physics and space hazards. Wormholes aside, planets would move in their orbits as you plotted courses to them; velocity was constant unless you fired your thrusters; inertia in dogfights felt believable; radiation and space debris were real concerns; you could crash if you tried to land too fast at a space station–this was impressive stuff for a game with 4-color CGA graphics that came on a couple of floppy disks.

The free-form open universe felt a little too open to my 7-year-old self, and I don’t think I ever beat this game, insofar as there was a way to “beat” a sandbox, sci-fi space adventure. But it was certainly different from anything I’d played at the time, and it left an impression on me, even all these years later.

*Look* at this guy, like he’s getting ready to drop Aldeberan’s hottest album of 1989.

My favorite time of year

Earlier today, my wife and I headed out to her folks’ place to spend part of the afternoon helping her father harvest grapes, which we will later also help him crush to turn into wine. Somewhere, there’s a photo of me grinning like a maniac, with my arms stained red damn near up to my elbows, like I just murdered somebody. Good times.

Anyway, for me, this is the official start of autumn: being out there with a cool breeze blowing over us, and a beautiful view of the changing colors of the trees on the far bank of the river, foraging through dense vines and leaves, looking for clusters of grapes hidden just out of sight. Again, good times. And that brings us to today’s word.

foliage, noun – plant leaves

Learned from: Space Quest II: Vohaul’s Revenge (Apple IIGS, Amiga, Apple II, Mac, PC)

Developed by Sierra On-Line

Published by Sierra On-Line (1987)

I have very fond memories of the Space Quest games, despite having only played the first two of them (3 and onward never came to the Apple IIGS). Comedies seemed a lot more popular when I was a kid, growing up watching movies like Naked Gun, and Police Academy. And some games got in on the action, too, particularly adventure games like The Secret of Monkey Island, which was a spoof of pirate stories, and Space Quest, which was a spoof primarily of Star Wars, but sci-fi in general. Sort of like a Temu version of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: not bad necessarily, but certainly not as polished as the name brand. I used to play these a lot with my father, laughing at the ridiculous situations Roger Wilco, janitor turned reluctant hero, would get into, and puzzling over how to get out of them.

As the title of the second game suggests, Sludge Vohaul, the series’ villain, is out for revenge against Roger for foiling his plans in the first game. He has goons kidnap you in the opening of the game, and instead of killing you, he has them take you to a remote location so you can be forced to watch the downfall of galactic society at the hands of the genetically-modified insurance salesmen he’s developed. Or something along those lines; it’s been decades since I played it.

Anyway, something goes wrong with the hovercraft the goons were transporting you on, and it crashes into the dense forest of an alien world. As you look around, the narrator comments on the lush foliage–foliage you need to hide within at least once to keep from being found by Vohaul’s reinforcements, as you try to find a way off-planet to foil his latest insane scheme.

It’s an incredibly goofy game, filled with the sort of absolute moon logic that was common to adventure games of the era (e.g., I think you have to discover and mail in an order form for some kind of space-Tazmanian devil thing at one point, to solve a certain puzzle, while making sure the creature doesn’t catch and kill you in the process). But that was part of the fun. And the days of sitting around that 8-inch screen with my dad, tossing ideas back and forth about “well, what if we tried this?” are memories I will forever cherish.

I forgot the sheer *Mystery Science Theater 3000* vibes, in this box art.

Baby’s first dictatorship

It’s been a weird week when it comes to entertainment. The Late Show with Stephen Colbert got cancelled for “financial reasons,” which is a weird way of spelling “fear of retribution from a petty tyrant.” But then, mere days later, the same company renewed South Park for several seasons, and the first thing the creators did was spend an entire episode mercilessly mocking the toddler-king. It’s good to see Trey Parker and Matt Stone haven’t lost their edge, but it did make me nostalgic for simpler times when the show could just be silly jokes about anal probes and World of Warcraft; or even further back, to when I didn’t even know what fascism was. Which brings us to today’s word.

nazi, noun – a member of Germany’s National Socialist German Workers’ Party

Learned from: Into the Eagle’s Nest (Apple II, Amiga, Amstrad CPC, Atari ST, Commodore 64, PC, ZX Spectrum)

Developed by Pandora

Published by Pandora, Mindscape, Atari Corporation (1987)

A note to kick things off: I know that the word is supposed to be capitalized, but I’m taking a page from the excellent tabletop RPG about vampires sent to kill Hitler, Eat the Reich, and refusing to give it that dignity.

With that out of the way, I was probably too young to really appreciate Into the Eagle’s Nest, when 7- or 8-year-old me plucked it off the shelf. I’d heard of WWII, at some point I’m sure, but that had been like, 40 years ago by that point, practically ancient history. Certainly something that was over and done with, and that couldn’t possibly end up being relevant in contemporary society. No, instead I saw screenshots on the back of the box that looked kinda like Gauntlet–but the guy on the front had a gun! And he was about to storm a castle, of all things! I didn’t really know what nazis were, but from the art, I went in expecting a weird fantasy/modern mashup, where a lone soldier had to save his squadmates from a Medieval castle crawling with enemy soldiers, sure–but also maybe monsters? It was a castle, after all.

Needless to say, young me was disappointed when, instead of the action-packed combat of Gauntlet, I instead found myself with my first introduction to the stealth genre. This was a slower, more methodical rescue mission that I…really didn’t know what to make of at the time. It didn’t help that the graphics on the Apple II left a lot of ambiguity as to just what it was you were looking at sometimes. Sure, long tables and crates of guns are pretty straightforward, but what about the featureless squares? Looking back after all these years, they might’ve been sandbags, but who knows. Or the green circles? Barrels, maybe? But while I seem to remember you could break them, I don’t think they exploded in classic video game fashion, so, who can say?

Suffice it to say, the presentation, and the gameplay style combined to make a frustrating and underwhelming experience that I never really went back to after I was old enough to possibly appreciate it. These days, I don’t even think it’s available on GoG, so it would be hard to revisit, even if I wanted to. And honestly? I think there’s enough wannabe-nazi bullshit going on in real life to make the prospect seem depressingly relevant.

I mean, look at this cover–dude looks like he’s about to kick down a drawbridge and shoot Dracula in the face or something!

Come together

Hey, it’s been awhile. Sorry about that. Life’s been kind of crazy lately, but what happened last night really takes the cake. I’m not going to make this post overly political, but it’s undeniable that in the aftermath of the 2024 US election cycle, a lot of people are feeling lost, angry, scared, confused, etc. It really does seem that our political system is fully off the rails, and in times like that, I think the only thing any of us can do is refocus. Concentrate on yourself, and the people closest to you: your friends, family, neighbors, and try to do what you can to make their lives better, as well as your own. In this case, I count whatever small audience I have for this blog as part of that–and neither education nor entertainment are ever a bad thing. If nothing else, it’s a lot better than getting swept up in an endless wave of negativity.

And, in a very tangential way, that brings us to today’s word.

pool, verb – to aggregate things into a common supply

Learned from: Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Champions of Krynn (Apple II, Amiga, Commodore 64, PC)

Developed by Strategic Simulations, Inc.

Published by Strategic Simulations, Inc. (1990)

Champions of Krynn played by old school, 2nd Edition D&D rules, where a lower armor class was a better armor class, you had to visit a trainer/mentor to level up, and I’m pretty sure they included encumbrance, where carrying too much incurred severe penalties. This, if memory serves, included money. Because metal coins get pretty heavy after awhile.

Enter the pool option, after combat. Selecting this would combine all the various bits of copper, silver, gold, etc. dropped by enemies into one big pile, which you could then disperse to your individual party members as you saw fit, without having to do quite so much math.

Small concessions like that, automatically assigning XP, and calculating THAC0 for you made the game somewhat more accessible for a seven-year-old than the tabletop version, but it was still a pretty dense game. I don’t think I ever did beat it, but it was still my first real introduction to the hobby of tabletop roleplaying games–a hobby which I hold near and dear to my heart to this day.

And on that note, if you’re struggling with current events, there might be no better time to try out the hobby for yourself and your friends. If fantasy isn’t your thing, there are systems out there that tackle sci-fi, horror, the wild west (with or without zombies and such), or even where you play as a crack team of vampire commandos on a mission to drain Hitler’s blood during WWII. If this world sucks, there’s nothing wrong with finding solace in another one.

Tabletop RPGs really do offer something for everyone.

Toss a coin to your teller

Hello, all. During the time I’ve been gone, I’ve been pretty consistently burnt out from the never-ending cycle of training in new tellers at work. We’d get close to full capacity, and then someone else would put in their two weeks’ notice; at this point, two thirds of the staff hasn’t even been there for three months. I’d say this long, excruciating ordeal was finally over…but yet another one (who hasn’t even been on staff for a month), has announced he’s moving to Idaho, to become a potato farmer. Or whatever other non-stereotypical things people in Idaho actually do. This constant shuffle has been exhausting, so I haven’t had much energy at the end of the day for gaming, or updating this blog, or much of anything. What I have had the time for, is reading. Which finally brings us to today’s word.

drachma, noun – ancient Greek currency

Learned from: Age of Adventure (Apple II, Atari, Commodore 64)

Developed by Stuart Smith

Published by Electronic Arts (1983)

One of the books I’ve read over the past several months was an absolutely wonderful history of computer RPGs, aptly titled The CRPG Book. In paging through the early parts of the book, I stumbled across one with graphics I swore I recognized, but a title that was unfamiliar (including screenshots of the inventory, with the word “drachmae,” the plural of drachma). But I was sure I’d played this…so I went digging.

Since Bitmap Books, the publisher of The CRPG Book is based in the UK, they used the title this game had, seemingly everywhere else outside of the US: The Return of Heracles (because I guess EA figured American kids are too flat-out ignorant to have known who Heracles was). And to be fair, when I was six or seven, or however old I was when I asked my parents to buy me this game, I was more familiar with Hercules. But its original title is far more interesting than the generic one we got over here. It’s like calling a game “Story of Excitement,” or “Time for Fun.”

Anyway, as you’ve probably guessed, Age of Adventure/The Return of Heracles is all about Greek mythology and history, letting you play as characters ranging from Odysseus to Achilles, to Hippolyta. I guess you could technically call it an edutainment title, but the RPG gameplay was surprisingly solid for a game whose purpose was to teach you things. I’m not sure if I ever beat all of the characters’ scenarios (there were 19 of them, according to the game’s entry in the book), but I did walk away with a greater knowledge of Greek myths and legends, so I consider that a win.

Even the cover is generic. This says less “Greek mythology,” and more “Sylvester Stallone’s arm wrestling movie, *Over the Top*, if it were about pirates.”

Actions need to have consequences.

I’m not sure how funny this post is going to be, but I’m writing it for several reasons. First, because of the reprehensible and sadly unsurprising siege that was laid to the Capitol Building in Washington D.C., today. I’ve been unable to concentrate on anything else, as democracy in my country nearly came apart entirely at the seams. I need to focus on something else, but I also need to vent some of the maelstrom of emotions I’m feeling right now. Which brings us to tonight’s word.

imprison, verb – to confine or jail

Learned from: Archon II: Adept (Apple II, Amiga, Amstrad CPC, Atari 8-bit, Commodore 64, ZX Spectrum)

Developed by Free Fall Associates

Published by Electronic Arts (1984)

I know that you might be thinking this word seems unlikely, as it’s a simple derivation from “prison.” But I was maybe five years old when I first played Archon II; I knew what a prison was, but I’d never heard “imprison” until seeing the spell here, that immobilized an enemy unit.

That’s about all I can muster for backstory right now, because current events are so much more pressing. Thousands of rioters descended upon one of the most iconic government buildings in my country this afternoon. And by and large, the police just let them. I can understand this at the onset, to some extent: While it’s absurd that there wasn’t a larger security presence, the fact is that the police who were there, were vastly outnumbered. It’s the fact that they more or less just…let these criminals just walk out and go wherever, rather than making any concerted effort to make arrests–that is what has me angriest.

There need to be consequences for this, for as many people involved as possible. If authorities aren’t going through the abundant footage of this, seeking to identify and prosecute as many rioters as they can, then this situation is even worse than it seems. Because it implies a tacit approval for actions like this, and I don’t know how things can move forward, if that’s really how things are.

So, about the Archon series…

I realize with my last post, I jumped into the sequel without talking much about the game that came first, though I have learned words from both of them. In an odd, meta-narrative way, this is actually fitting, since I did play Archon II before I ever gave the first one a shot. Since they’re both pretty fun games, with different things to offer, I felt I should give the original some attention. Which brings us to today’s word.

manticore, noun – a mythical creature with the head of a man, the body of a lion, and the tail of a scorpion, also (sometimes) the wings of a bat

Learned from: Archon: The Light and the Dark (Apple II, Atari 8-bit, Commodore 64, Amiga, PC, Macintosh, NES, Amstrad CPC, ZX Spectrum, PC-88)

Developed by Free Fall Associates

Published by Electronic Arts (1983)

In many ways, the first Archon is a much more straightforward game than its sequel. It has the same system where if two units land on the same square, the screen shifts to an abstract representation of the battlefield, where you fight in real-time, but there’s less environment variety. Instead of elemental planes, you’ve got what amounts to a chessboard with white and black squares. The gimmick comes in the fact that the board undergoes a constant day/night cycle, where the Light side is stronger during the day (and on white squares), while the Dark side is stronger at night (and on black spaces). There are also in-between squares that shift colors along with the time of day. This injects a bit of strategy, where your most mobile units can get to the enemy leader faster, but taking them to their max range in a turn might leave them on the wrong-colored square as day/night is approaching.

And oh, are there a lot of unit types. From basic soldiers, to trolls, to shapeshifters, to the manticore. The description of it above comes from Arabian mythology, and I have to admit, it’s pretty cool…but at the time, I had no idea what I was supposed to be looking at. The thing was just a vaguely quadrupedal mass of blue pixels, with something that looked as much like a satellite dish as a tail. Not exactly frightening. Thankfully, my parents had an encyclopedia with a better illustration, and from that point on, my imagination filled in the blanks better than any graphics of the time could have (cheesy as that probably sounds).

archon

If this looks like an old album cover, you’re not entirely wrong. Some games from this era came in what were essentially record sleeves.

It’s the end of the world as we know it

Or at least that’s what it seems like. Schools, libraries, restaurants, sports venues, and more are all going into quarantine in my area, despite there being no confirmed cases of COVID-19 in our neck of the woods. I’m not downplaying the danger–a 3.7% mortality rate doesn’t sound bad until you extrapolate it out to a country of some 330 million people. If even a third of us catch the coronavirus before the pandemic ends, that’s still over 4 million dead Americans. So while the panic might seem out of proportion at first dint, I can understand the measures being taken. Which brings us to today’s word.

apocalypse, noun – the end of the world; a great and wide-spread disaster

Learned from: Archon II: Adept (Apple II, Amiga, Amstrad CPC, Atari 8-bit, Commodore 64, ZX Spectrum)

Developed by Free Fall Associates

Published by Electronic Arts (1984)

Less chess-like than its predecessor, Archon II abandoned the checkerboard playing field in favor of a board with four tracks, each aligned with one of the four elements. And instead of just trying to kill the enemy leader, the aim was to summon various creatures (each with their own elemental preferences), to take control of four power points that moved around the field.

That, or just end the world.

Archon II is one of the only competitive games I can think of where, if the match wasn’t going your way (and you had enough mana saved up), you could just flip the digital table and say “If I can’t win, no one can!” Apocalypse was an expensive spell to cast–possibly the most expensive spell in the game–but the option was always there if you really wanted it.

And really, it always struck me as kind of weird that this one spell was available to both players. See, Archon II was less about Good vs. Evil, and more about Order vs. Chaos. Taking your proverbial toys and going home doesn’t really seem to fit the Order M.O., but maybe after putting in different sets of creatures for each faction, there wasn’t enough space left on the disk to give each side a tailored list of spells. Considering that a 5.25-inch floppy only held around 180kb of data, it wouldn’t surprise me.

Still, despite its limitations and odd tactical choices, Archon II was a great game with a lot of replayability.

Archon2adeptcover

Plus, it had some awesome box art–they don’t do covers like this anymore.

My coworkers can’t spell

In the back storage room where I work, there’s a bunch of stuff that probably hasn’t been touched in years: paper files dating back almost a decade, microfilm copies of records that are older still, outdated equipment, etc. There is also, inexplicably, a plastic container of 3.5″ floppy disks, labeled, and I quote: “MICS DISCS”. Putting aside the fact that “discs” should be spelled with a K in this instance, they abbreviated “miscellaneous” wrong. Which brings to mind today’s word.

miscellaneous, adj. – not falling into any set category, having numerous and varied traits

Learned from: Dragon Wars (Apple II, Amiga, Commodore 64, Tandy, PC)

Developed by Interplay Productions, Kemco (NES version)

Published by Activision (1989)

Dragon Wars was a first-person dungeon crawler, that had more of an RPG aspect than some other games in the genre (there were actually NPCs to talk to, and choices you made actually mattered, so it wasn’t all about the combat/puzzles). It was a difficult, at times weird game that had an unexpected amount of depth. And to some degree, that depth extended to the magic system.

There weren’t really character classes in Dragon Wars, per se, and it was really a character’s stats and training that determined what they were good at. So, you might have someone who’s really skilled in Sun Magic, but had no High Magic spells. If I remember correctly, there were five schools of magic: Low (entry-level stuff), High (better versions of Low spells, and more versatility), Sun (for those who really wanted to cast the spells that make the people fall down), Druid (less damage, more summoning), and finally, Miscellaneous. I don’t think there were many spells in Miscellaneous Magic, and thematically they didn’t seem to fit anywhere else–sort of a haste spell, and a high damage spell that wasn’t elemental or sun-based, I think. There may have been more, but I honestly don’t recall. But if it really was only that handful, it seems like they could’ve found some way to tweak them so they’d fit in a different school, and get rid of the pointless appendix that was Miscellaneous Magic.

Just like we should really just get rid of “MICS DISCS” at work. I’m sure Mic won’t miss them.

dragon_wars

Unrelated note, but I really do miss hand-painted box art. They don’t make ’em like this anymore.